Four days later I’m not doing a very good job concentrating at work, and go to check Facebook for the first time in a couple of hours.
Apparently, at some point in that two hour timespan, Zoe either blocked me or deleted her profile.
I post on Tumblr:
“Oh cool yup. She definitely blocked me on facebook. I haven’t messaged her in 4 days, which probably makes that kind of a shitty thing to do to someone she’s already totally fucked over but whatever I guess. It’s pretty minor relative to everything else.”
Later that night she messages me on gchat.
[censored — not mine to reveal]
I am confused as to why she’s saying I’m not respecting her requests for space or time, since she hadn’t made any such requests (except for arguably the last conversation we had, after which I didn’t message her for four days). I toss it in the puzzle piece pile.
As for what she tells me, it convinces me to give the relationship another chance. At some point we start talking about this issue where she gets angry and defensive or says she’s panicking any time I try to understand more about her cheating on me, or why she kept telling me she wasn’t involved with anyone during the breakup, or why she tried to prevent me from sleeping with other people while she herself was doing it in secret, or any other of a host of unanswered questions. And I tell her that if we’re going to make this relationship work again, those things need to get talked about.
Dishonest? What the heck is dishonest about trying to figure out what was and wasn’t true for the last 7 months? I guess I’ll throw it in the puzzle piece pile for now.
Anyway, as expected, so long as we don’t broach the subject of the past, she’s calm and pleasant and sweet, and we even manage to joke around a little. Eventually, the information she revealed becomes irrelevant, and she has a meeting to go to, but sends me this text a few minutes after logging off.
God damn it yes. Thank you for being decent finally you lovable jerk.
We talk on gchat again the next morning, and the conversation isn’t too tumultuous; though it doesn’t offer me anything in the way of new information or closure. Eventually she says she has to go to bed and we say our goodnights and both log off.
I send her a message letting her know I have a question when I notice she’s online some 6 hours later, but she doesn’t respond. Four days go by and I don’t hear from her. Weird?
It’s plausible that she just hasn’t been using gchat though.
I send her a text.
No response for the next day. I send her two more texts, and she’s almost certainly ignoring me now. Why? This is confusing.
Welp, I’m stumped. Maybe the puzzle pieces will help. Let’s see what we have.
- Zoe unfriended me on Facebook.
- Zoe’s behavior when talking about things she did in the relationship has changed — In the conversation when I was at the library she would just lie a lot until cornered; now she gets defensive / angry / tells me to back off way before there’s a chance to be cornered.
- Zoe blocks me after I don’t message her for four days on the grounds that I am not giving her enough space to heal.
- Zoe says she feels like it’s dishonest of me to be messaging her for closure??
- Zoe says she wants to make things up to me, even if we don’t get back together. But, after a fairly tame conversation, she ignores me for five days and counting.
I’m not seeing anything. Maybe it was something I said in our very last gchat conversation that morning after she sent her text?
Oh.
Oh god damn it.
God fucking damn it.
“do you wanna maybe try in person?”
“do you believe I want to fix this or not?”
“I don’t want to do this online.”
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. SHE’S AVOIDED ME EVER SINCE THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE SHE IS PARANOID I MIGHT GO PUBLIC AND DOESN’T WANT ME TO HAVE MORE LOGS.
Let’s look at the puzzle pieces again.
- Zoe unfriended me on Facebook: She’s establishing distance so I can’t prove I know her or contact her facebook friends.
- Zoe now gets defensive and angry when pressed for information: She does not want to leave more incriminating things in my logs.
- Zoe deactivates her profile after 4 days of radio silence: She wants to decrease the plausibility of the logs I have by making them look like this:
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- She says it’s dishonest of me to message her for closure: She’s stopping just shy of flat out telling me she thinks I might go public.
- Zoe ignores me after telling me she wants to make things up to me: Because making things up to me decreases the odds that I go public, but
- She doesn’t want to do that online: Because that’s not worth the risk of my having more logs of more incriminating information.
JESUS CHRIST SHE IS FUCKING OSTRACIZING ME BECAUSE MAKING IT UP TO ME IS NOT WORTH THE RISK. Jesus F Christ what a selfish jerk.
I guess maybe I should at least make sure she isn’t also just failing to recieve my texts. I give her a call, but it goes to voicemail after two rings.
I’d like some response, so I guess I should give some innocuous pretense. She still has my fancy headphones, and she’d probably want to minimize the number of reasons I have to continue contacting her, so she’d probably respond to a message asking for them back. I send her one more text to make sure:
Motherfucker.
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End.
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